Funny Tweeter

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Page of _NTFG_'s best tweets

@_NTFG_ : I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn't in a band anymore and starts yawning by 9pm and just wants to be home drinking tea.

@_NTFG_: Sit down and let me tell you a story.

Once Upon A Time......last night......I had a few drinks and......borrowed your credit card.

@_NTFG_: I'm not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new "selfie sticks" for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

@_NTFG_: Asked a vegetarian if she'd heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

@_NTFG_: CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

@_NTFG_: A News Reporter just described someone as "Healthy as a Bus".

Yeah....I don't know either.

@_NTFG_: COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
ME: "So it wouldn't be windy when we talked."

@_NTFG_: Of course I'm English.

I'm the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

@_NTFG_: SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

@_NTFG_: In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can't wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.