Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
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I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]