Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
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[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.