Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
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[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Banking tips
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water