Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
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An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy