*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
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If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”