Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
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Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”