The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
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*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
My beach vacation Google searches
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave