Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
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HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
You had me at “define legal”.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.