Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
me
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.