Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of _Water_Baby's best tweets

@_Water_Baby : Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

@_Water_Baby: Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

@_Water_Baby: When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your "toys" BEFORE the movers arrive.

@_Water_Baby: My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

@_Water_Baby: I cry way more when I'm angry than when I'm sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

@_Water_Baby: My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

@_Water_Baby: I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

@_Water_Baby: A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.

@_Water_Baby: No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

@_Water_Baby: *at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.