Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of _Water_Baby's best tweets

@_Water_Baby : Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

@_Water_Baby: At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

@_Water_Baby: After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.

@_Water_Baby: You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

@_Water_Baby: Sex so good you forget you're married...to each other.

@_Water_Baby: Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

@_Water_Baby: Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

@_Water_Baby: When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your "toys" BEFORE the movers arrive.

@_Water_Baby: My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

@_Water_Baby: I cry way more when I'm angry than when I'm sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.