Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of _Water_Baby's best tweets

@_Water_Baby : I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

@_Water_Baby: A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.

@_Water_Baby: No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

@_Water_Baby: *at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

@_Water_Baby: Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

@_Water_Baby: *Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

@_Water_Baby: They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

@_Water_Baby: Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I'm looking at you.

@_Water_Baby: The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.

@_Water_Baby: Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor's appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.