Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
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There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
58.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Worth a try
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.