I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
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emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?