2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
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Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you鈥檝e figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they鈥檙e somewhere behind you.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it鈥檚 the cutest
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
This year for Mothers Day, I鈥檇 just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
It鈥檚 the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn鈥檛 exist.
I just died 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Meow
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…馃槀馃ぃ馃槶馃拃馃拃
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”