[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
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the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
wtf management?!