I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
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Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.