Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
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“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Jail
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
My birth announcement for our third baby
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now