What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
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We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”