Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
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Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it