Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of _coryrichardson's best tweets

@_coryrichardson : wife: i’m leaving you me: is it because i secretly cook meth in the abandoned house down the road wife: no it’s because wait what me: wife: me: what

@_coryrichardson: me: what time is it

guy in the military: it’s 1745

me: [eyes wide] holy shit it looks exactly like 2018

@_coryrichardson: girlfriend: don't tell my dad we have sex, he freaks out that i'll get pregnant

her dad: hey bud you coming inside?

me: [clearly panicking] what no, i would never

@_coryrichardson: me: yeah i’ll probably die alone

waiter: no i said will you be dining alone

me: oh yeah that too

@_coryrichardson: doctor: *placing his hand on my shoulder* i’m so sorry for your loss

me: w-what are you saying

doctor: of hearing

me: what

@_coryrichardson: [getting my daughter her first piñata]

daughter: *excited* omg i love unicorns do i get to keep it

me: no *hands her bat* you have to beat it with this

@_coryrichardson: me: i can’t make it to work today

boss: why not

me: [trying to make something up] uh.... my grandmas gerbil exploded

boss: how does that keep happening

@_coryrichardson: me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD... a pretty huge d-

her: Don't say it, im leaving

[later]

me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn't like dolphins

@_coryrichardson: me: do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing

bank teller: [eyes wide] uhhhh

me: *scratches head with gun* man, i hate when this happens

@_coryrichardson: Pilot: *over intercom* we’re all gonna die

Passengers: *start freaking out*

Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when

Passengers: *sigh with relief*

Pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit this mountain