Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of _coryrichardson's best tweets

@_coryrichardson : cop: you get one phone call me: [on phone] hey timmy. listen kid, i’m not going to be able to *very loudly* DONATE MY KIDNEY TO YOU TOMORROW cop: you haven't even dialed a number

@_coryrichardson: me: im gonna eat florida

date: *nervously* w-what

me: *shoveling up the earth* this may take some time

date: *now crying* please stop

me: *mouth full of dirt* no

@_coryrichardson: coach: sorry you’re off the team. we have to cut you because-

me: *pulling out a sword* try to cut me, i dare you. i’ll block it easily

coach: because you keep bringing a sword to practice

@_coryrichardson: girlfriend: he’s too immature i’m dumping him

her friend: ya remember when he got excited that he could drink 2 capri suns at once?

[i walk in holding 3 capri suns] babe you’re not gonna believe this

@_coryrichardson: me: why does no one like me

therapist: [flips through notes] i could give you so many reasons

@_coryrichardson: me: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg, it’s finally happening

me: *falls over*

girlfriend: the poison is kicking in

@_coryrichardson: date: i really like your shirt

me: thanks [remembers girls like bad boys] i stole it [remembers girls also like nice guys] from an old man i was helping walk across the street

@_coryrichardson: [during sex]

her: call me names

me: [panicking] john jacob jingleheimer schmidt

@_coryrichardson: doctor: bad news everyone hates you

me: what

doctor: worse news, you're gonna live

me: but that’s good news-

doctor: BuT tHaT's GoOd N-god that's what you sound like

@_coryrichardson: principal: your son is being bullied

me: he needs a sword

principal: what no that would-

me: *pulls out a sword*

principal: woah hold on i don’t want any problems

me: *to son* see what i mean