Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of _coryrichardson's best tweets

@_coryrichardson : [dinner date] date: sorry i’m late! how long have you been waiting me: *grabs waiter* she asked you a question buddy

@_coryrichardson: wife: don’t be weird, just talk to him about it

me: ok


me: so, you have a gf now? haha. cool, well listen son... girls are uh.. girls are like *looks around room* alarm clocks. You shouldn’t have sex with them... but if you do, use a condom

@_coryrichardson: [Dog tennis match]

Dog: *throws ball up to serve*

*all dogs in the audience simultaneously bolt onto the court*

@_coryrichardson: cop: you get one phone call

me: [on phone] hey timmy. listen kid, i’m not going to be able to *very loudly* DONATE MY KIDNEY TO YOU TOMORROW

cop: You haven't even dialed a number