My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
You Might Also Like
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Natty or not?
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition