Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
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Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.