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Page of _elvishpresley_'s best tweets

@_elvishpresley_ : waiter: do you have any allergies?

me: latex

waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat

me: airplanes

@_elvishpresley_: [inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we're crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

@_elvishpresley_: [first day as a cop]

me: suspect is running nude through downtown

dispatch: copy that

me: *starts undressing*

@_elvishpresley_: [first day as a cop]

me: suspect is holding a sword and doing a ceremonial dance

dispatch: copy that

me: I don't know. I'm not much of a dancer

@_elvishpresley_: me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

@_elvishpresley_: [at the hotel california]

me: i'd like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you're all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

@_elvishpresley_: shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

@_elvishpresley_: Bat 1: do you think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?

Bat 2: (startled) who said that

@_elvishpresley_: professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

@_elvishpresley_: kool-aid man: you're grounded

kool-aid son: I hate you!

kool-aid man: don't you dare g–

kool-aid son: *uses door normally*