I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
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Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
It’s an epidemic…
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*