If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
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Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
This came to me in a dream.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know