Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
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Many hands make light work
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Canada has crack?
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100