me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
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People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.