No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
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I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!