*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
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A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies