Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
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Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages