I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
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[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Social Media and Real life
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone