My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
You Might Also Like
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Cannot stop laughing at this
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
just left a huge legacy in there
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait