Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
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I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!