Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
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ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.