Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of _steamy_mac's best tweets

@_steamy_mac : When you take up carpentry but hate birds so you have lots of birdhouses with tiny little, “No Vacancy,” signs.

@_steamy_mac: If you didn't bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don't drink it in front of us, Gary.

@_steamy_mac: Saw a couple take a selfie in the parking lot of my apartment complex and I can only assume it’s because they think they’ve found the saddest place on Earth.

@_steamy_mac: Some weird dude on the street just told me that the end is near and now I can’t stop hugging him and saying, “thank you.”

@_steamy_mac: Me: I have a bad feeling about this.
Her: About what?
Me: It doesn’t matter. Name it.

@_steamy_mac: Boss: You’ve been late for work every single day this year.
Me: *high five

@_steamy_mac: I cross-bred an octopus and a panda. Let me know if you're interested in a pretty amazing hug.

@_steamy_mac: Found out there is a microwave with a built in toaster, and this is going to be the greatest bath ever.