Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of _steamy_mac's best tweets

@_steamy_mac : Life status: stealing toilet paper from a used car dealership where I'm pretending I'm gonna buy a car just so I can steal toilet paper.

@_steamy_mac: *deep drag off cigarette
I was in love once, kid.
*proceeds to eat lit cigarette

@_steamy_mac: I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone that's not a professional wrestler.

@_steamy_mac: Can you get syphilis from eating a hot dog you found in a parking lot? My wife doesn’t believe me.

@_steamy_mac: Why on earth would I start making good decisions now?

@_steamy_mac: "Sorry, I have to take this call."
"That's a banana. And it's half eaten."
*covers banana with hand
"I don't tell you how to do business."

@_steamy_mac: *standing amidst the smouldering wreckage that once was my life

Oopsy daisy.

@_steamy_mac: When you take up carpentry but hate birds so you have lots of birdhouses with tiny little, “No Vacancy,” signs.

@_steamy_mac: If you didn't bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don't drink it in front of us, Gary.

@_steamy_mac: Saw a couple take a selfie in the parking lot of my apartment complex and I can only assume it’s because they think they’ve found the saddest place on Earth.