make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
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My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.