My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
You Might Also Like
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.