I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
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WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Word!
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.