Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
You Might Also Like
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive