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trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times