Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
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Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol