Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
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My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
FINE, I WON’T.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’