I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
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There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
S/o to @funTweeters .
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
what is cheese if not milk persevering
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.