Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
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Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I was up all night reading about insomnia
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French