He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
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The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Netflix and awkward silence?
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?