I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
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Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
SCARY COSTUME
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.