Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
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Well, this certainly took a turn
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
❤️🦆
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.