@abbycohenwl: Waiter: Ma'am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
@abbycohenwl: Executioner: Any last words?
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
@abbycohenwl: Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
@abbycohenwl: [Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You're welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
@abbycohenwl: Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you're not understanding—(sees it's almost 3 pm)—because magic