@abbycohenwl: My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
@abbycohenwl: Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
- inventor of the baby catapult minutes before he was arrested
@abbycohenwl: Cat: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he's fat
@abbycohenwl: Man: Welcome to Mystery Club
Guy: What's it for?
M: No one's sure of that
[suddenly Guy's head gets clubbed]
M: Or when that'll happen
@abbycohenwl: Me: What's your dad do?
Kid: My dad? He's an actor
Me: Why? Couldn't you get a real dad?
@abbycohenwl: Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I'd live this long
@abbycohenwl: [god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
@abbycohenwl: Before they built this Trader Joe's, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other's way
@abbycohenwl: Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*