@abbycohenwl: Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we'll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
@abbycohenwl: Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
@abbycohenwl: how to have good hair:
- have bad hair
- walk around like you have that hair on purpose
@abbycohenwl: [cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let's get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
@abbycohenwl: My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
@abbycohenwl: Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
- inventor of the baby catapult minutes before he was arrested
@abbycohenwl: Cat: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he's fat
@abbycohenwl: Man: Welcome to Mystery Club
Guy: What's it for?
M: No one's sure of that
[suddenly Guy's head gets clubbed]
M: Or when that'll happen