Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of abbycohenwl's best tweets

@abbycohenwl : [cat hospital] Cat Nurse: Let's get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

@abbycohenwl: My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

@abbycohenwl: Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
- inventor of the baby catapult minutes before he was arrested

@abbycohenwl: Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he's fat

@abbycohenwl: Man: Welcome to Mystery Club
Guy: What's it for?
M: No one's sure of that
[suddenly Guy's head gets clubbed]
M: Or when that'll happen

@abbycohenwl: Me: What's your dad do?
Kid: My dad? He's an actor
Me: Why? Couldn't you get a real dad?

@abbycohenwl: Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I'd live this long

@abbycohenwl: [god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

@abbycohenwl: Before they built this Trader Joe's, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other's way

@abbycohenwl: Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*