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Page of abbycohenwl's best tweets

@abbycohenwl : "Holy shit I'm a cat?"

@abbycohenwl: Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

@abbycohenwl: I'm sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

@abbycohenwl: What if earth is just God's Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

@abbycohenwl: Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

@abbycohenwl: Waiter: Ma'am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

@abbycohenwl: My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

@abbycohenwl: Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

@abbycohenwl: Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat

@abbycohenwl: Me (comforting a friend who's team lost): There, there. Football is stupid