@abbycohenwl: Me (texting): Help I'm in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn't have used speech-to-text
@abbycohenwl: *pats crying child on the back*
*child keeps crying*
"Did you not just hear when I said, 'There, there'? Shut up, already"
@abbycohenwl: How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
@abbycohenwl: Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
@abbycohenwl: Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
@abbycohenwl: Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I'm kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You're hired!
@abbycohenwl: Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
@abbycohenwl: Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
- inventor of the infant catapult moments before his arrest
@abbycohenwl: Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we'll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots