Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters
@abbycohenwl : "Holy shit I'm a cat?"
@abbycohenwl: Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
@abbycohenwl: I'm sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
@abbycohenwl: What if earth is just God's Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
@abbycohenwl: Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
@abbycohenwl: Waiter: Ma'am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
@abbycohenwl: My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
@abbycohenwl: Executioner: Any last words?
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
@abbycohenwl: Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
@abbycohenwl: Me (comforting a friend who's team lost): There, there. Football is stupid