Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of abbycohenwl's best tweets

@abbycohenwl : My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

@abbycohenwl: Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean

@abbycohenwl: Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat

@abbycohenwl: Me (comforting a friend who's team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

@abbycohenwl: [sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

@abbycohenwl: [Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You're welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

@abbycohenwl: Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you're not understanding—(sees it's almost 3 pm)—because magic

@abbycohenwl: I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

@abbycohenwl: Interviewer: According to your resume, you're one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

@abbycohenwl: Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE