Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of abbycohenwl's best tweets

@abbycohenwl : I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

@abbycohenwl: Interviewer: According to your resume, you're one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

@abbycohenwl: Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE

@abbycohenwl: i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

@abbycohenwl: If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I'd rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there's not enough nudity

@abbycohenwl: I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, "Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?"

@abbycohenwl: Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

@abbycohenwl: I try to often think "human meat is gristly" in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

@abbycohenwl: I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don't like it