Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
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Love thy neighbor’s dog
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Husband of the year 😂
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity