Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
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Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
drew a comic about my origin story
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.