Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
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I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator