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ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.